somehow, it is indeed therapeautic to just be able to come to this space of mine, and write how i feel about things. i do feel bad that i come here only when i am not very happy with life, or when i do not know how else to express myself.
life can be so complicated that it is complicated OR so simple and still seem so complicated..
humans, especially woman, think too much..
There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish. so many dreams and unheard cries.
I am always listening to people. understanding people. But who actually listens to me?
and so what if they listen to me.. even i cant help myself in certain situations.
therefore, i have kinda given up in saying what really matters to me.
i am just very upset with everything in my life. the word contentment just does not apply to me now. i am edgy nearly everyday.. and i snap at anyone that upsets me.. and for all the smallest reason..
i wish im a little more independent.
and i can prove that i am no longer reliant on my parents.
that they do not need to worry or provide for me anymore.
that i can provide for myself and they would trust me to take care of things.
i miss the days when i was working in singapore.
renting my own room, earning my own money, doing my own part time tuition, signing up for courses that i like, saving money to buy what i want, bringing money home and buying nice things back, planning my own study schedule, entertainment schedule and stuffs like that.
i had the space to make mistakes. to learn how stupid and how smart i am. to discover myself.
to take time to groom myself.
im just very cramped up now..
there is no room for mistake. every mistake is magnified to its finest details.
i work better with encouragement.
negative reinforcements and fear does not work well with me.
i totally hate it.
hate. hate. hate.
its always about everyone, other people and everybody.
accomodating to everyone elses time.. and people are always interrupting my decision making. always giving suggestions and changing my plans. and i am a pushover. so i gave in. and gave in. and gave in.
to the point where im already sick and tired.
and therefore, anything would tick me off.
i know i would be fine in awhile.
but juggling between identities is not a fun thing.
maybe its just a mid 20s thing.
whatever la.
i just don like my life now.
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3 comments:
In a way I kinda get what you mean, I hope things take a turn for the better for you.
Sad thing is I can't say anything other than if you need a listening ear I am here, a shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold.
But I just want to tell you to not keep on giving in and pushing yourself into a corner cause the more you do that the deeper you go and the harder it is to get out later.
Don't be too harsh on yourself. I would think that you have already proven yourself to be independent back when you were in Singapore? A
And as shy said, don't keep on giving in til you are lost. It's your life and happiness old friend, not "other people's".
I was one of those people that you listened to, I hope you will find someone to listen to you. We don't keep in contact so often now, but call whenever ya :)? Take care..
hi Shy. thank you very much for your concern. I guess im better now, but the frustrations come and go. im already finding difficulty getting out.
haha.
vane, someone asked me if my life has FAITH (Fantastic Adventure In Trusting Him).. haha.. i guess thats wad i need. Thanks for your love as well.
i will be better.
and we should catch up really.
make time and let you know.. should be in nov ba..
hugz.
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